Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
