During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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