I can tuck mytits in my pants
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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