You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
