On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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