Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
