i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ttyl tear gas
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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