i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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