No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
