They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
