Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
