He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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