last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
