she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
