Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
