u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
