Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
