im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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