Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
