Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
