I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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