Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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