Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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