sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
how drunk are you?
Several
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
soo... how was my night?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
