morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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