yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
