The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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