I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
