Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
