Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
