New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
