I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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