Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
