i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
