Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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