You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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