Someone shit on the floor
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
