Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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