Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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