well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
