Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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