I hate your face
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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