FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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