i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Found the puke drawer
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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