I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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