I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
