It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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