last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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