I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
