Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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