I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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