so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
