hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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