did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
