when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
