i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
