Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
