Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
