I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
