I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
